i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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