i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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