i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
