OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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