She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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