I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
