Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I need to stop coming to work sober
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
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