Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
