woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
