Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
