the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
