I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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