last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Randomize
