mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just pee around me
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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