After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
So. Much. Porn.
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