as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
