Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
