She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
The beer is more important than you right now.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
