I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm getting married
To pizza
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
