I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
