ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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