I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
