i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
