bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
True strength comes from lack of pants
not ubering you a puppy
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
