If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
