OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I could make wine with my vomit
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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