I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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