apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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