Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
