I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
