how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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