dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
