I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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