Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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