I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
