it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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