My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
