they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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