your room smells of hookers.
And success
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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