You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
