textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
