Only a mothe r could love this liver
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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