But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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