I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
