Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
