he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
