Fine. I'll sleep in my office
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
