just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
