'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
