I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
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