YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
