I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
