Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
